Sadly the only TV show Dave and I watch is Escape to the Country, why? Because we want to do just that, escape. Us humans are funny creatures, when we have the world we want more, when we lose the world we had we long for what we had before, what, that means we will never be content, correct. Is it selfish to want your freedom back, yes perhaps, but then again when you have no choice in the order or simple choices in your daily existence anymore it becomes natural to long for the freedom of choice to perhaps decide that you may like to sit down in the sun now for however long and just be or have a cuppa and think about nothing. Now there’s a novel idea.
When you take away the freedom of choice from any being it creates frustration, anger and impatience. These are harsh things but it is what it is. So far, Dave and I have coped well, as well as we possibly can. The true test for us both comes when Roki is hurting, when he cries heartbreakingly after a long seizure, when the tears roll down his face and we wish we could ask him what it is that is making him so sad and how we can fix it. That for a parent is the most difficult thing, not to know how to help your hurting child. That creates anger, that creates a person that really ain’t you, it’s because you love your children so and there is nothing you wouldn’t do for them.
And so we try to cope with these days when the anger surfaces because it comes and goes like tides of living a life with a hurt child. I hope that Ruby knows how much we love her, I hope that Roki knows how desperately we want to fix him, how badly we want to go back to that dreadful hour he lost the life he could’ve had and turn it all around, take the unfairness away and dissolve his suffering into nothing. I hope that Dave knows that I understand the anger as it stems from his love for Roki and his feeling of helplessness to take the hurting away from his son.
I looked at my wedding ring tonight and thought about those words I said on that bright blue skied windy day, for better or for worse, one does not say it with much thought then as you may think that for better is now and for worse may come later.
Not so, for worse is here now and for better we look forward to. All we know is that together we will be, I guess that’s what it means when you say those words, together we will be no matter how bad the worse.