The mind is such a powerful thing, it can make you feel all happy sad anxious depressed worried in just one day, it can make you think that things are real when really they just exist in those corners of your mind and sometime come out to play.
For weeks now I have worked hard to shut the doors and windows on the what ifs that lie outside and wait. I used to be so very scared of flying but now I think I don’t really care if I fall from the sky, there is a much larger what if that has come to the field to play. My single biggest fear is going through those same theatre doors, not just doors but those very same doors and face those images that haunt me when my busy mind allows those demons come out to play. The clock on the wall with the time always on exactly 8:58pm I can hear it ticking so loud as I watch the silence of 17 people hustle around the tiny body of my quiet newborn child his eyes so alive with fear I tried to keep his gaze to make him feel I’m near. My question the only hanging sound is my baby ok, is my baby ok? Then the seizures came and those visions are implanted in my mind, how they riddle you still every day.
How do I make those things go away, you simply can’t or maybe, just maybe you stand a chance if you face the what ifs that rattle on the windows and doors from outside. The same doors, the same clock, the same room with its unforgiving sights, that’s where I will hear the cries of my newborn child, that’s where I will hold you like a mother should and hope that the what ifs may never come around.
That’s where Roki I will cry my biggest tears for you and the life that should’ve been yours. I will hold you close my boy and together we will make those horrid what ifs go away.